Okay, I know what you’re thinking. ‘What have my love styles got to do with my childhood? This is just another five love languages episode’. Well, that’s not entirely true.
Or maybe it’s a little similar. But you wouldn’t know for sure unless you read the entire article, would you?
Take a moment and look back at your past relationships.
Do you notice a pattern? Patterns, maybe? Whatever comes to mind, know that your childhood sure has a role to play in it.
According to researchers, your childhood significantly affects how you show love and want to be loved.
This includes the specific ways you respond to your romantic partners’ needs. And how you want them to respond to yours.
So, why is this important?
When you understand these love styles, it becomes easier to recognize who you’re and who you’re dealing with in your relationships.
Understanding your partner reduces the chances of experiencing conflicts. It helps you know the best way to relate with them to enjoy a happy and long-lasting relationship.
That said, there are five basic love styles : the Vacillator, the Pleaser, the Avoider, the Victim, and the Controller.
Keep reading to discover which one you or your partner portrays, and gain an incredible amount of insight into the type of childhood they had.
1. The Vacillator
If you have this type of love style, it means you grew up with absent parents who either abandoned you or gave you no attention.
Consequently, you intensely search for the love you never received as a child from your partner.
So you create an imaginary picture of what you expect your relationship and partner to be like.
Unfortunately, you end up with massive disappointment when the relationship or your partner fails to meet up to the exact picture in your head. Of course, this is impossible.
Also, you always assume your spouse does not understand you. And you constantly battle with so many internal conflicts and emotional stress in your relationships.
This is because you expect too much from your partners.
You are very sensitive and easily detect when your partner is pulling away from you, and this gives you more emotional stress.
What can the ‘Vacillator’ do to correct this?
If you’re a ‘Vacillator’, you must cultivate the habit of self-love and expect less from others.
You need to know that no one can fully cover up for the love you did not receive in your childhood.
You should also be more appreciative of your partners.
In addition, learn to understand the type of partner you will be getting involved with before you commit.
Refrain from making up unrealistic expectations to avoid getting hurt and disappointed.
Read A Similar Article: 5 Reasons Why You Need A Heart Break
2. The Pleaser
If you’re the ‘Pleaser’, your parents fed you with more negative remarks than positive ones while growing up.
You received few or no words of appraisal from them.
As a result, you embark on an impossible mission of trying to be what everyone else wants you to be.
You focus on pleasing your partner by all possible means so they don’t find faults in you as your parents did or still do.
You also have a hard time saying no and you avoid physical confrontations.
Your aim in every relationship is to give comfort to your loved ones regardless of what it may cost you.
You tend to experience emotional breakdowns and flee from relationships easily because of your conflict-avoidant nature.
You have an anthem that says, ‘’I’m not good enough”.
Eventually, you feel overwhelmed and breakdown …
What can the ‘Pleasers’ do to correct this?
You need to be honest about your feelings and understand that pleasing people is never a realistic approach. It is the beginning of emotional torture.
The best thing to do? Set healthy boundaries for yourself and for your partners or other loved ones.
However, bear in mind that not everyone will be happy about it.
And while these standards will piss some people off, they will attract the right ones into your life, eventually.
3. The Avoider
This means you grew up in a less affectionate home that prioritized self-reliance and independence.
What does this mean?
It means your parents offered little to zero comforts and you had to deal with your emotions and anxieties all by yourself.
As a result, you grew up to be less emotional. When dealing with your partner, you use more of your logic than emotions.
Not only that, you become uncomfortable when your partner displays intense mood swings.
And you’re very good at detaching yourself from them when you feel the need to.
What can ‘The Avoider’ do to correct this?
You simply need to learn how to open up more to your partners and share your feelings and thoughts.
Understand that they can offer you emotional support and comfort if you open up instead of running away from them.
4. The Victims
If you have a Victim love style, it means you were taught to stay quiet, hide, and never voice out your concerns while growing up.
You struggled with anxiety and this led to very low self-esteem. You might once have experienced symptoms of depression, or still do.
The saddest part is that you are attracted to people who mirror the exact behavior of your parents, and you may end up marrying a controlling partner who will always put you down.
Read A Similar Article: How To Stop Attracting Undesirable Partners
Also, you’re so used to the chaos that calmness makes you feel uneasy.
Word of advice, if you or your partner often brings up chaos when things are going smoothly in your relationship, you may be, or dating or married to the ‘Victim’.
What can the ‘Victims’ do to correct this?
Like the ‘Vacillators’, the ‘Victims’ need to learn self-love and how to stand up for themselves.
Understand that life is not always going to be mean to you. And it’s not right for people to blame you for everything.
You deserve peace just like everybody else.
5. The Controller.
The controller grew up where there was no protection. Most times, from a broken home.
So if you’re this person, you had to toughen up to take care of and protect yourself because you believed no one else is going to do that for you. And still do.
As a result, you developed some habits that allow you to be in control all the time in your relationships.
For instance, you do not like to leave your comfort zone because that’s where you feel the safest and most in control.
As a matter of fact, you avoid any situation that provokes helplessness, insecurity, or vulnerability because they make you weak and less in control.
Another trait in the ‘Controller’ is anger. You want things done your way. You hardly hear your partner out and prefer to solve problems on your own.
Anything short of this makes you angry.
What can the ‘Controllers’ do to correct this?
You should understand that not everyone is looking for your downfall. Some people genuinely care. So learn to trust them.
You should also learn to put your anger in check.
Read A Similar Article: 5 Myths About Love You Should Ditch Now.
I hope this article has helped you understand why your partner behaves and shows love the way they do.
Instead of rebuking them, you should be more empathetic and willing to help.
Start by sharing this article with them to better understand their love styles.
So, which love styles do you identify with? Which one is your partner’s? Share in the comment section below.
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Stay blessed. Ciao!